My daughter asked me not to phone her as it was affecting her studies. It was uncomfortable for her since we had got entangled in our own circumstances and were separated by several geographical miles. My son gave me a tiny hint that he did not have the freedom to remain in touch and that had cut me off from my children for a couple of years. The miles that separated us were not too far for my children, considering the travel comforts we had afforded while we were together, but since those days, I did not want to be a burden on my parents. God had made decent provisions while we lived united as a family, and I had the trust that He would continue to provide for our needs. But now, with us split, the house we had on a mortgage went empty, and so did my savings, with me trying to rescue it all until I could. God saw His provisions not in use, and He gave it away to another gentleman, who was kind enough to ask me to salvage stuff that I missed gathering before the bank took possession of our property. It was stuff that he thought my children would miss and would love to have them again. I was curious because I had thought I had brought back all articles dear to them. Boy! It was a treasure that I may have left behind for another fully-loaded car return before the doors were shut by the lender recovery agents. I had missed that stuff as I had advanced one of my visits before the dreaded day came without notice.
My in-laws never took an interest in sitting down for a discussion to help find a resolution for any issues. It could have been a strategic move to safeguard their treasures, which they thought could drain with one wrong move. They cannot be blamed for doing that; they had a lot upon their shoulders. Over the years, they had seen several crores leaked despite their cunning approach. However, my Father-in-Law was an excellent host and made sure his chosen ones were well fed when they were at his home. He had the eyes to make guests feel comfortable at his home for their needs during their stay. I have heard him being appreciated even by those whom the family considered their enemies. When the priest recounted his life at his funeral, it was clear his reputation as a gentle soul was well appreciated by society. Those who knew him on close encounters would not refute much but minor flaws, if we may call it that - which all humans have. For me, except for his silence and non-involvement, there was nothing of much concern. He was a man busy in his thoughts. I held no grudges, and according to the command of God, I forgave everything that I thought was a violation to demean and destroy. I also realised there that he was helpless with his silence, as that was a skill learnt and a virtue recommended by all psychologists. That thought gave me a good closure for the episodes with him. May his soul rest in peace.
I was not at the funeral for my ex-FiL. I had not heard from him any wish to meet me. Even if he did, I was not expecting any in his family to convey a message. They all had maintained a disconnect, and had mastered one-liner dismissal statements to disengage from people they considered trash. My children had lost their grandparent, and I wanted to be with them in their hour of grief. I had to maintain a distance because I did not want to encroach on the boundary they were fortified in. They were entrapped in there willingly. I wanted to see if my children could now see what my eyes were opened to. I want them to gather the courage to break boundary walls and come for the man they called Dad. My arrival at the funeral was a miracle. I was thinking I would hear from my children during their vacation when studies were not on their minds. I didn't. I went back to waiting on the timing of God to get a chance to see them. The vacations coming to an end, I presumed there was still time for His will to be done.
On that Saturday morning, I had dropped my dad off for his dialysis session and was planning my usual walk around the small town. I ended up entrapping myself in my car. Out of the blue, my dad had called his elder brother. I consider my parents pathetic at phone conversations. I always hear them rough, cranky and souls without patience. They never forgot the metered billing days where every second meant money. They kept conversations short and blunt. That made me quite an opposite kind. I would enjoy easy conversations even during the metered billing days and continued even after it backfired. Out of the blue, Dad had a long conversation with his brother. And towards the end of that call his brother recollected that he had seen the Orbituary message of the person he considered to be my Father-in-Law. Dad tried to reach me, he couldn't, and then the call came from my Mom, whom Dad had contacted. I walked toward the market to grab a newspaper from a nearby stall and saw the news myself. It pinched my heart to see the wording. They could still do it even from afar.
I wasn't shocked that I was not informed. None from the big family were in touch. Since my bitter-half had severed our relations, I considered it unethical to be thought of as spying by being in touch with broken relations I had garnered through her. So, I was not interested in talking to anybody. If I had to know something, I would have pleasure in hearing it only from my children. While a man and his wife may fall apart and move on their separate ways, the relationship with children can never be broken, that being God-ordained. Children are born into this world for men have a heart for it. Jesus' lineage can be traced all the way back to Adam. If any in that lineage had no heart to have a child, Jesus would have never walked this Earth. That's predestination. Their wives may have departed, but the lineage through men was prophetic and did not break. So my pleasure will be in listening to my children and no one else. I made up my mind to focus only on my children when at the venue. I had never seen my daughter cry as an adult, and that was something that would have been difficult to watch, but I had to be with them in their hour of grief and so I went after dropping my dad home after his dialysis.
My dad's ways are ancient, and I would often think of them as tribal. He was preparing me for war when I was getting ready. It seemed like he thought I was about to enter a war zone. You can't help but listen until you exit. I had my own plans; I love peace and calm. Relatives were ready to join, but I wanted my space and time, and so I left alone. On arrival, the religious rituals were just about to start. I saw many familiar faces, but I was looking for the faces that are my dearest. I shifted position and saw them. I was waiting for them to find me, and when that happened, they seemed to ignore my presence. I wondered if they noticed. Then, I saw them escaping my path after the body went into the grave. They did not seem to have missed me one bit. But my daughter had warned me from assuming things running in her mind when we were together. That was the only hope. My son's reaction did not match the last words he had spoken with me more than a year ago. He had told me that he loves me. Both had given me many life lessons that helped me cope with difficult situations. They seemed to have now forgotten all that I had learned through them. Their responses to my so-thought improved parenting skills - from the parenting skills of my parents, taught me many lessons of how to deal with the nagging and tortures of my parents.
A friend of mine had asked me to go there with Christian love. To my understanding, mourning with those in mourning is Christian love; being loving and caring to those around you is Christian love; to share the message of hope is Christian love. Even though I was determined not to reach out to familiar faces for a renewal of past bondage, I was also sure to speak to those who came forward to have a chat. The first one to stop and have a conversation was a cousin of my ex. I could read on his face that he was aware of how disconnected I was with my family. I told him I was there to be available at a moment when my children were grieving. The discussion ended with that. The second was the parent of one of my ex co-brother. I was thinking, based on earlier inputs received, that the lady may have lost her memory, but she stopped and, after recollecting my name, called me by it. I greeted them, and even though they asked me to say my final goodbyes to the departed soul, I told them that I was there for my children. Since their son had snapped all contact, I was not sure if any further conversation could lead to unpleasant situations; we parted ways. There were other encounters where I curbed my greetings with a handshake. But the most shocking encounter was when I saw another ex-co-brother at the gates of their home, who smiled at me. Even though I acknowledged the smile, I could not return one, and I turned my face away from him. I was thinking that anything more could cause a rift between him and his better-half. I was shocked because I was not doing well with the Christian love part. This was the guy who had once promised discreet involvement to help resolve issues. He must have realised that it was a situation where nobody could help. I asked God why I was behaving like that; the response came quickly. "Remember your thoughts when you read the obituary in the newspaper". Yeah, that was perhaps what it was. In my mind, I had thought that the wording in the obituary was this guy's. I did not mind that I was declared not to be the husband of my bitter-half; neither did it bother me that I wasn't among the son-in-law of the deceased man; what irked me was that my children were advertised to be without a father. So much for the training given in that household. But again, as my daughter said, I may have been wrong in assuming that it was him that worded the memorial message. God had shown an unforgiven item in my mind.
Returning to my parents two years ago helped me see in them many things I had not known earlier. Equipped with training from my kids, I could deal with their anxieties and see them improve for good. What could turn into conflicts were dealt with the kind of responses I received from my children, and that helped turn monsters into humans. They began to laugh at situations that would be considered a crime by them earlier. Laughter started filling in. My father's dialysis sessions made him meet more youngsters, and he began to relax and not stress from situations. My ex gave me life lessons to deal with narcissistic tendencies in people. Dealing with narcissistic tendencies in my parents became a breeze. When I saw behavioral changes in them, I thanked God that they were not narcissists themselves. I saw the bright side in them. I had a guilt in me that I could not hand over the laptop my daughter used for her studies. When that broke down early on, I saw why God did not let it happen. It would have been discarded, and the data in it would have been lost forever. My dad helped get all broken things repaired one after the other. When her desktop got repaired, I was mesmerised to see the videos my children had made for me. It brought back memories of the good times we had. I learned to cook beyond paranthas. But for what good is it all I thought. I was standing rejected, even for a conversation I hoped to have with them. The only sweet message I could carry back was that my daughter may have obtained better grades than what information had fallen into my ears earlier. My daughter had once told me that if I had a problem with my wife, I should sort it out between her and me. Now I was faced with the same challenge as with her. My children were showing no interest and rejecting me off with their one-liner dismissals. How did you sort issues when you do not get ready for a conversation? They taught me to open my mind, speak of the problem and talk about solutions. They seemed to have forgotten the skill they trained me on.
The day was coming to an end. It seemed like it was time for me to leave rejected and dejected. Just then, toward my home direction, from their gates I saw a red car turn. What I saw on it left me speechless. Something that I had prayed for long seemed to be just answered. God's sense of humour and His timing of answering our prayers are just awesome. May He delight them that have faith and trust in His plans. May the worldly fears dissipate for those that love Him.
